There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
