The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
