How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
