Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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