Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
