Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We are all done wearing pants today
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
