I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
