Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
