I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
