you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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