Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
