ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
