The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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