sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
