I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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