you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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