why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
