honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
