I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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