I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
