What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
