Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
