I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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