I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize