Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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