I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
