I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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