She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
