Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
