i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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