I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
