This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
