Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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