we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
