Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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