i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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