No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
