i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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