i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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