great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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