I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
