i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
