Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
