oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
