is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
