im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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