I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
