I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
