It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
