I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
