Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Is Oprah even human
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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